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So much crankiness. I snapped a few times today, and got snarky. I wish I hadn't said anything - it wasn't that it's not true - I just usually keep my opinions to myself more.



I somehow hurt my shoulder, a few days ago.

I had a doctor appointment made, and yesterday, when my appointment was supposed to happen, the doctor's office called and told me that they'd cancelled my appointment, because the doctor was sick.

I have no answers about why my shoulder's so painful, and radiating pain up my jaw and across my chest - and no decent medication to try help the pain.



This morning, when I finally managed to fall asleep after six hours of restless fidgeting (at about 7am) I had really disturbed sleep, full of constant tossing and turning and awful nightmares.

I wasn't able to get a new appointment for another week. Well, just over a week.

It's making me very snippy. I'm ashamed I'm letting it get to the better of me - I usually have more control. I just want to sleep, but I can't get comfortable, and I'm really irritable.

I should go shower and try relax with a book. Ergh. But that'll mean I have to come back out and re-heat my heating pack, as it'll go cold while I'm showering.

See?

Cranky!



I'm looking at raccoon photos. It's making things better, lolol.

There's a fox here - maybe more than one. Maybe a vixen with kits. Maybe a hungry young male. Who knows.

I know there is at least one fox here, though - each night for the past few, we've heard them yipping when a nearby rooster starts crowing (which is every hour or two - damn rooster).



I'm both afraid for the rooster and the chickens, and afraid for the fox(es). There's some foul farmers with guns (some of the very select people in Australia allowed firearms) who shoot and shoot and shoot all day, apparently hunting wild dogs and foxes.

I also don't want the foxes to starve or get hit by a car.

Sigh.

I could buy meat and feed them, so that they chickens may stay safe, but that still has the possibility of the farmers shooting them, and them being hit by a car, and they may become regular and stop hunting, or provide a danger to our dogs (although I sincerely doubt THAT, since our puppers are huge - much bigger than foxes).

Auuugh. Poor foxes. ♥ Poor chickens. ♥

I love seeing "support the troops".

Almost instantly crosses you off the list of "people worth talking to".



Yeah, support people who kill others for a living, and then listen to them complain about it, demand respect from every single person they come into contact with, and acting like the whole world owes them something.

They're SO respectable and SO admirable for killing people, when they have little say in the matter. They're killing-yes-men.

I'm so sick of being told "But the DISCIPLINE is something you can't get elsewhere!" - who needs to be that highly disciplined? I keep hearing people say this - like my moronically military old friend - "But everyone needs this discipline!" - well, she had it, and she was still a shit person.

It's not discipline they teach you - it's how to cut off all emotion, empathy and sympathy, so you can handle mindlessly killing people for the Government. So you can handle your friends dying around you. So you can handle the accidental bombing of a school in a conflict-zone.

Don't give me the "THEY PROTECT YOU" - more white men kill people in home terrorism (mass-shootings and so on) than in foreign terrorism attacks.

"I did it to travel and see the world!" - wow! Why didn't you get a real job and trade, that exists outside of sanctioned murder, save money, and travel that way? Because this is easier? Disgusting excuse. Your wanderlust is funded with death.

It's also exceedingly rude, racist and generally disgusting to assert that my life is worth more than someone else's just because of who they are, where they come from, the colour of their skin, the class of their birth. I'm fucking infuriated that soldiers use the "BUT WE DO IT FOR YOU, YOU UNGRATEFUL FUCKS" as a justification for killing people. To try make you feel like you owe them, like you're in their debt.

Did I ASK you to kill someone for me?

That'd be illegal, in any other circumstance.

You did it for oil in foreign, sandy lands. You did it for someone else's revenge. For someone else's idea of "justice". For "peace".

"For your children, and your children's children".



It reminds me of Game of Thrones.

"Winter is coming".

All the money wasted on war, on fighting over bullshit, without trying to be diplomatic, while being like "We're a super-power, we demand the resources from other countries or we'll take them by force" - we have bigger problems - like Global Warming/Climate Change, over-fishing of the oceans, deforestation...

But nah. Let the world spend billions a year on killing each other - "for your children", who won't HAVE a world worth living in, a world of natural beauty and wonder, because people were too busy killing people across borders for OIL.



Where's your autonomy? Your free thought? Where's your compassion and empathy? Your sympathy? Kindness? Locked away with the government and religions that demand this of you. Is it simply EASIER to just kill people? Is that REALLY the preferable option? Can't be bothered forming a symbiotic relationship, so just kill them? Jesus christ.

COMMENTS

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Judgement
19:15 May 25 2016

They risk their lives to protect their countries, though. I think they're admirable.

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Forbukeni
20:55 May 26 2016

I agree. :)

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I really dislike it when people ask me why I left a conversation or why I'm so quiet, if I'm okay, if something's upset me - especially when something has annoyed me - but I can't say it. Like... you've got me backed into a corner, here.



I can't say "You irritate the everloving crap out of me and I was tired of the constant notifications." I can't say "Your friend offended the fuck out of me and continues to launch a one-man hate crusade, she's absolutely vicious and fucking vile to the 9th" I can't say "I find most of you extremely trivial and petty." or "You all fawn over an absolutely fucking AWFUL person and I don't have time for those games.".



There's just no nice way to put it, you know?

It's none of their business. Sigh.

I hate directness in situations like this.

Do they honestly expect honesty?

Do they actually care about my feelings, or are they pretending to be "peacekeepers", who are just looking for information to fish to the otherside while trying to exude a placating demeanour?

Who fucking knows.



I hate being an admin for a group very large Facebook group. It makes me SO glad that I never seriously tried to be an admin on VR, or anywhere else. You can't say what's actually bothering you, or tell someone that their attitude isn't okay. You can't say anything. You've got to be 100% okay with some of the shit others come out with - especially if they're other admins. It's gross as fuck.



SIGH.

I should have gone to bed earlier. My hot water bottle will be cold, my kitty, petulant.

Poor tiny babe.

I've felt like remaking a Portfolio on here.

There's the sadly apparent truth - "Why would you leave yourself open to an avenue that could hurt?"

I've been on VR for about 9 years, now.

Dylan and I have been dating for nearly 6 years.

I've seen sun rises, sun sets, waxing and waning of moons - in people.

I wanted to upload a couple of photos for a while, but the same thought keeps coming back - "You're only opening an avenue for negativity."

That sounds so pessimistic. I've got a ridiculously cute boyfriend, I'm not terribly bad looking, lately. My hair's back to being a lovely long mane. I'm slowly regaining confidence. But... haha. I think there's too much negativity here to even properly try.

God, I won't even load a photo of my cat.

That says something.

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EvilEyes
09:18 May 23 2016

if people are going to ridicule you for what you look like then they are nothing more than small minded little creeps who wouldnt know style if it pitched a tent in their ass

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I'd love a grilled cheese sandwich, with tinned spaghetti inside it.

That'd be incredible right now. And a vanilla chai. OoOOoooo! That'd be lovely.

Beautiful morning in bed with my love... Mocha. Haha. ♥ He was naughty today, cannon-balled me. He climbs up high (onto the top of the cupboard or onto the tall bedhead) and then jumps onto me, while I'm sleeping. I don't know why the little shit does this (is it fun?). I am not even angry when he does it, though - I can't be angry with that little face - or the fact that he then comes and snuggles with me. He bats my face/body and purrs in my face, nose-to-nose until I lift up the covers and he then snuggles under, and purrs himself to sleep.

So cute. ♥



I'm finding it extremely ironic that someone is claiming they're "being harassed" - when they're harassing me at the same time. lmao. I have them blocked on multiple accounts, and they continue to message me with new, alternate accounts, and try talk to me in the box. Technically this counts as 'attempting to get around blocks'.

Reminds me of rape, to be honest. No means no, you fucking fool. Stop trying to force yourself into my world. When someone says "No", "I'm not interested", "Leave me alone" and you continue to try force yourself upon them... you're fucking creepy.

I miss Dylan. I'm getting all cutesy and maternal... imagining him with my cat. HAH. Oh lord. I can't wait for him to meet Mocha. I'm sure they'll absolutely love each other.

I laughed quite a bit because my idea of "maternal" is he and I going to an animal rescue shelter and adopting a bunch of cats. And not just cats, but cats no-one wants - like FIV kitties.



Aaaahhhh. Perfection. ♥

I had a bit of an internal turmoil, earlier. Nothing major, just questioning beliefs and my ego/sense. Can I put aside my past annoyance to fix a current problem? It's the right thing to do - so I did it, even though I wasn't comfortable/happy about it.

I have the recent metta to thank for that. I know that everyone deserves a second chance, and that if I can make small positive changes, I should. So I tried.

While I did what I thought was right, and helped even though I wasn't happy - I annoyed with the attempted causality afterwards.



There's a fine line between asking someone for help because you know they're a nice person and will help - and then using that niceness to try take advantage of them again.

When I had multiple multiples, I used them to express things I couldn't fit onto this profile (which was honestly over 2,500 words long). I didn't just lazily post "Am a Sire on other accounts" and leave it at that.

It's a threat - "rate me low and you'll get a low rating from a Sire".

*wiggles fingers superstitiously*



I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm really tired. I'm sick of seeing sexism, ableism, claims of this and that.









I ate stirfried mushrooms and noodles earlier, and it was yummy. I should have added steamed broccoli... or a dollop of Tofutti cream cheese and tinned asparagus.

I really want tinned asparagus. I should buy some tomorrow, or tonight, or some time. I also really, really want curly fries. I've wanted them for so long. I waaaaannnnnt theeeemmmmm. D:

I wannnnnt. D:

GAH. I need to make a shopping list. I shall cook a huge mound of curly fries and watch movies with my cat. That'll be nice.

Or not, he'll constantly swipe at my food. Heh. But still, nice. ♥

I'm wrecked with tiredness. A lot happened yesterday evening/night and my sleep was absolutely awful. My cat's extremely clingy and sleeps with me every night. That's fine. Until he becomes a lil' 13lbs bedhog, sleeping in the center of the bed and trying to snuggle, whilst also stealing the blankets.

Gah. I didn't sleep much at all, and I really needed the rest, given the night I'd had before sleeping.



It'd be absolutely lovely to curl up with my boyfriend and cat, in bed, hot water bottles (at least about 4 of them, heh), lots of blankets for me... lovely. ♥

Waiting, waiting, waiting. I'm so impatient, and I try not to be. I should try harder.



I've been reading again - this time it's "The Son of the Shadows", like all the others, something I've read before. I get incredibly frustrated with the continual stories in the book - every time there's a gathering of people, there's a story, and it's usually about 4 pages long. I skip them, now, and have managed to 'read' 400 pages of the book in a day, because of this. Haha, I estimate that 50 pages of that, were stories/tales/fables I've skipped.

I'm trying to rebuild my love of literature - I'm reading Pride and Prejudice again, and slowly reforging my way through The Inheritance series. I'm working up to it - the one great literary love in my life - The Name of the Wind. I'm scared that if I read it again without easing into it, rebuilding my reading stamina, I'll just fall apart and sob my eyes out when I start reading it.



The book is a bit like that, lol. When I read it the first time... oh lord. ♥ I bought it as a "random buy", which was rare for me, as I usually knew SOMETHING about the books I bought, some small whisper of the author, reviews, anything - but nope.

Not this one.

The cover was pretty.

The writing on the front was simple and eye-catching.

I uhmed and ah'd over it.

I bought the first book.

I saw the second book had just been released, and I didn't buy it, because I'd been hurt before (heh, buying a whole series and intensely disliking the first book in under 50 pages). I took my book home. I read it. Well, I didn't just read it. I devoured the words with a feverish hunger. I cried over those pages and those pages cut me, so deeply, in every part imaginable. I didn't sleep. I didn't eat. I read it through afternoon, night and into the morning. I waited patiently for the hours to tick over, until I heard other people waking up, and asked them if, as soon as the book store opened, we could return. I needed the second book. I was completely and utterly emotionally spent. I felt like an intricate spindle of glass, made out of tiny strands and treads, the slightest bump would shatter me into a million irreparable pieces.



It wasn't so simple as to say I "liked" the book. The writing, phrasing, metaphors, the imagery, the bone-chilling SADNESS through the whole book, the foreboding feeling of doom, inevitable, crushing, smothering... accented by the blinding happiness of the character, accented by the surprisingly hilarious jokes, accented with small parts of joy and content, like small yellow flowers, perfectly formed, growing in a place where only death and despair walk. Where only hopeless, shadowed, broken things whisper. It's the knots within knots, the allusions, illusions, the flawless beauty of the books. The way the characters dance in circles around each other, rarely touching, save for saving.